Oh, sorry, that's just my anxiety showing

I have been an emotional mess for the better part of the last month and it shows on my skin.

I was born with a condition called keratosis pilaris that causes lots of little bumps all over my arms, legs, torso, back and neck. Some people say it resembles chicken skin. It isn't contagious or life-threatening, but it has gotten worse as I have gotten older.

Since I was a child I have, as a mechanism to cope with stress and anxiety, picked at these bumps whenever I felt overwhelmed or highly frustrated. During the last month, I've been at times so down in the dumps that I'd of made Eeyore seem as happy and chipper as a newly-minted lottery winner, which is why my skin looks as though I am suffering from a raging case of chicken pox.

I won't go into detail about the poor state of my mental health because, well, I come out looking at best bad and at worst completely nuckin' futs, and there's no need to bring others down with me; but suffice it to say it's been bad.

My mother always chastised me to not pick at my skin, and, even now, several people have said "you need to stop that." I know I need to quit doing this to myself. I am even more aware of how badly I need to stop since a doctor questioned whether I was using crystal meth - a question to which I replied, "If I was, and I am not, then I must have the worst product on the planet considering I weigh as much as a baby elephant."

My problem, though, is that I often unconsciously pick at my skin and sometimes aren't even aware of what I've done until I realize I am bleeding. This is typical OCD behavior, I recognize that, but, considering I have two kids and no reliable source of regular babysitters, I am unable to see a therapist to deal with this and my multitude of other psychological problems.

I know people have varying methods they use to cope with the rigors of life. I don't drink or use recreational drugs because I come from a long line of drug addicts and alcoholics. I don't over-exercise because to do so would mean I exercise at all, which I don't because it makes me hot and sweaty both of which I hate.

I am outing myself today in the hopes I can take some of burden of carrying this secret off of my shoulders. Also, I am hopeful I can find a new, healthy way to combat my psychological demons so I can learn to leave my skin alone and until that happens maybe stop being ashamed every time I catch someone checking out my awful handiwork.