I am tired

I am tired of being the only person in my house who cares whether the floors are dirty.

I am tired of telling people to put their shoes where they belong.

I am tired of being afraid to ask for help.

I am tired of having to search throughout the house for dirty clothes before starting a load of laundry.

I am tired of being the only person who can tell if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty.

I am tired of being the only person who cares if things are picked up and put in their place.

I am tired of being the only person who knows where things belong.

I am tired of asking people do things only to have my requests ignored.

I am tired of my daughters seeing their father drink too much alcohol on Friday and Saturday nights.

I am tired of being told "that's your job" when I ask someone to help me out by putting away folded clothes or straightening a stack of washcloths.

I am tired of not leaving my house because I feel like there's too much I should be doing here.

I am tired of not knowing the non-sexual touch of another person.

I am tired of being strong.

I am tired of being in charge.

I am tired of failing to undertake jobs I know need to be done simply because I don't think anyone cares.

I am tired of not taking time to read my magazines.

I am tired of not making time for books.

I am tired of wishing for bedtime when I can return to sleep where I don't have to think about how tired I am.

I am tired of being comfortable with the choices I have made and simultaneously wishing I hadn't made them.

I am tired of feeling unappreciated.

I am tired of feeling anxious.

I am tired of wishing things were different.

I am tired of trying to change the way things are.

I am tired.

Two girls.Two heads.

Yesterday I received a call from school about Lola. This was the first time the nurse has called me regarding my brand-new kindergartener so I was a bit apprehensive when I realized who and what the call was about.

Lola fell in her classroom and hit her head - that precious little head that got an $80,000 makeover when she was just 10 months old. The nurse was very upbeat as she reported Lola's mishap and said she had what appeared to be a small red bump on her head. Her call to me was mainly a courtesy as they always call a parent when a student hits their head.

She put Lola on the phone with me and my heartbeat picked up a bit when I heard that sweet little voice on the other end of the line say, "Hi momma!". I asked her what happened to which she replied that she was playing with a friend, tripped over the chair and hit her head on the cabinet. She said she cried a little bit and her friend, Violet, who I've yet to meet but whom I've heard a lot about, walked her to the nurse's office.

I asked Lola if she felt like staying the rest of the day at school fully expecting her to ask to come home, but she surprised me when she said she would be able to make it the remainder of the day. I tell you, though, it took all I had not to go on up to the school, check her out and bring her home. I knew, though, that leaving her would be was the best thing both in terms of fostering her sense of independence and allowing her to stand by her choice to stay at school. Whew! It wasn't easy, though, as I kept replaying that sweet greeting from her over and over in my head.

After talking to Lola and reminding her to let her teacher know should her head start to hurt or she become very sleepy, I again spoke with the nurse who promised to let me know should anything change. She also told me she was sending Lola back to class with an ice pack for her head, which turned out to be the perfect medicine for my little girl who reported the ice pack "worked like a charm."

Because Lola has a history of being highly anxious regarding anything related to medicine, doctors and nurses, I had fretted as to whether she would be able to mentally handle a situation in which she might need to visit the nurse's office. My little trooper proved to me yesterday that she can not only handle it, but also cope with it way better than I anticipated. In fact, when I picked her and Amelia up from school yesterday, Lola was completely recovered from her accident and talked about it like it was no big deal. So proud of my sweetie!

Speaking of Amelia, yesterday was a big day for her as well. She pulled a tooth that she has been wiggling for quite some time. For many kids, I am sure, pulling a tooth is a non-event. However, for Amelia, who, in the past, hasn't been too keen on pulling teeth, it's a milestone.

The last tooth she pulled on her own was left to linger in her mouth for so long that the adult tooth grew in behind it and was a good distance behind all her other teeth when she finally snagged that baby tooth out of her mouth. That new adult tooth looked like it was occupying it's very own back row in her mouth whilst all the other teeth had opted to sit up on the front row.

I worried she was going to need some major orthodontia to pull that new adult tooth in line with all the other teeth. However, nature intervened after the dentist had to pull her two upper canine teeth per the orders of the orthodontist who wanted them out to make more room in her mouth. That tooth finally fell into line with the other teeth already standing at attention. It's not perfectly in place, but it's far better than before.

Amelia was excited this morning to find $2 under her pillow from the Tooth Fairy, although I am beginning to sense she is struggling with her belief in the Tooth Fairy, which makes me sad. Amelia is 9 & 1/2 and is quite the skeptic, something which she gets from her daddy. Wrapping her mind around the concept of a magical fairy who's career involves flying all over the world exchanging cash for teeth is becoming harder and harder for Amelia to accept - especially since she's now more aware of world geography and time zones.

For now, though, she seems content to play along even if she isn't quite sure of the legitimacy of the whole idea. Jeff and I will continue to welcome the Tooth Fairy into our home because Amelia hasn't come out and directly inquired as to her existence and because Lola still firmly believes and is so unhappy that none of her teeth are ready to come out so that she can get a visit from the Tooth Fairy.

When Amelia lost her first tooth a few years ago, I didn't think we'd now be at a point where she's possibly questioning the existence of the Tooth Fairy. I am not ready. I want her to keep believing because I know once she stops believing in the Tooth Fairy then it's only a short matter of time before she loses her belief in Santa Claus, the Elf on the Shelf and the Easter Bunny after which she's just a hop, skip and jump away from her being a teenager.

I already feel like she is slipping away from me more and more. Most of the time she'd rather spend time with her daddy than me because she sees him as "the fun parent." Having these little magical things that connect us that I am good at making real for her is special and not something I am ready to let go of.

However, I didn't think I would be able to let go of Lola to send her off to kindergarten, but I've done way better with that than I expected so maybe there's a chance I can handle these impending changes with Amelia. I just hope they don't happen too soon.

Why haven't I been blogging

Amelia asked me last week why I haven't been posting to my blog. I told her that I just haven't been inspired to write to which she replied, "Well, just sit down and write something." So, today I am taking her advice.

My blog has always been dedicated to my children. It's been a way for me to preserve for all time the memories, milestones and mundane things that comprise parenthood. So to say I haven't been inspired to write is kind of a misnomer because these girls provide inspiration everyday. In reality, I haven't been motivated to catalog the events of their lives because I've been occupied worrying about their lives most especially Lola.

I have attempted on a few occasions to put my thoughts into a blog post, but it's resulted in nothing more than unreadable gibberish and gobbledygook simply because my mind is full to the brim with concern for my youngest child.

Lola began preschool last September with much excitement and healthy anticipation. She is enrolled in the same school Amelia attended so she'd gotten tons of good reviews of this school from her older sister. Lola had a bit of trepidation, but not so much that she didn't want to go to school.

Everything was going smooth until mid-October when Lola clocked her first sick days that caused her to miss school. She missed five days of school due to the fact she was under-the-weather with vomiting, sore throat and a fever caused by, we assumed, a virus. Lola returned to school after this stretch of sickness no worse for wear and appeared more than happy to resume her academic career.

However, that first episode of illness was just the beginning of what has become a monthly event for which we have no real explanation. Almost like clockwork, Lola has missed several days of school each month since October with basically the same symptoms that felled her back before Halloween. In fact, she's been home sick yesterday and today with fever, nausea and nasal congestion.

November marked her missing three days of school. In December, she was home sick two days. January had her home sick for six days. February was our banner month during which she was only sick one day,. During March, Lola was home sick for four days, and now the calender has barely turned to April and she's been sick for two & a half days.

I have taken her to the pediatrician who, each time we visit, checks her from head to toe and reports she is just prone to catching viruses and that being able to battle them will strengthen her immune system. I don't doubt this man. He's a wonderful doctor who not only treats my children, but was also mine and my husband's pediatrician when we were children. However, my instincts tell me something more is going on.

I furiously researched her symptoms until I stumbled upon a syndrome that seems to be what she's suffering from. It's called Periodic Fever with Aphthous Stomatitis, Pharyngitis and Adenitis Syndrome. Basically, doctors seem to think this may be an autoimmune issue caused by a genetic problem. I haven't posed this to her pediatrician yet, but do intend to take her to see a pediatric gastroenterologist she saw when she was an infant because from what I have read other children have seen a reduction in occurrences and relief of symptoms after using Tagamet, which is a drug most often used to treat acid reflux from which she suffered for the first few months of her life.

To make matters worse, Lola is a severely anxious child. Like, so anxious we've considered getting her into therapy. Her biggest anxiety trigger is medical appointments or procedures. It all started a little less than two years ago when she had to have a Polly Pocket flip-flop removed from her nostril. That event was so traumatic for her that she now has a serious phobia regarding any visit to a medical professional whether it be the pediatrician, eye doctor, dentist or her pediatric plastic surgeon who corrected the craniosynostosis she was born with.

Lola's anxiety is so bad that even the mention of the word "appointment" sends her into a tailspin. I have gotten to the point that I do not let her hear me scheduling an appointment and do not tell her of an impending doctor's visit until the morning we have to go. The most recent visit to a doctor was when I took her to the dentist. The entire ride there she was fraught with worry and concern. She was an emotional wreck during the entire time the hygienist cleaned her teeth, which happened with Lola sitting bolt upright because she was so scared of lying down.

That experience has left me pondering whether I should wait until we arrive at a particular doctor's office so as to reduce the amount of time she frets. On the other side, however, I worry that waiting to tell her will increase the amount of time she spends throwing a fit or trying not to throw up - something which happens more often than not when she gets so anxious.

As if all of this weren't enough to be concerned about, we learned in early March that Lola needs surgery to correct muscle weakness in her left eye, which is related to her craniosynostosis. Now, we have to add another doctor to the list of those Lola hates to see, endure another operation and get her to follow-up appointments without her having a complete meltdown and throwing up all over the place.

Additionally, Lola's muscle weakness in her left eye is causing her to have double-vision. The doctor says it only affects her when she is trying to see things at a distance, which is why it's hard to get her to look at a camera when taking her photo because she's unsure where to look due to the fact she's likely seeing two cameras. However, I have come to believe that her eye problems may play a role in her reluctance to go to school.

Around December, Lola began proclaiming that she didn't want to go to school anymore because she "hates the work." She regularly lets us know that she would just prefer to stay home where she doesn't have to do work. The fact that she's been missing so much school due to this mystery illness doesn't help us in convincing her that going to school is a good thing.

Jeff seems to think she may be bored with the work because, like her sister, Lola shows signs of being academically advanced. He may be right. But, I wonder if being able to see the work is an issue despite the fact Lola says she sees it fine.

I have spoken with Lola's preschool teacher about all of Lola's issues and she has been so understanding and helpful. She is quick to help Lola when she seems to be struggling and guide her to projects to pique her interest when it appears to be waning. However, Lola still protests going to school everyday.

I am scheduled to register her for kindergarten this month and I intend to do so; but there is a part of me that wonders if she's emotionally and socially ready for "big school." I have talked with several people about whether I should enroll her for another year at her current preschool or even a different preschool or let her go on to the elementary school where her sister currently attends.

There is no real consensus on the issue so I will likely go ahead and get her ready for kindergarten and then see how it goes in the fall. If she struggles or expects to be able to visit Amelia over in fourth grade for comfort and assurance, then I can pull her out and try again next year.

All of this weighs so heavy on me everyday. It's taken a toll on my mind, body and soul. I worry almost constantly and stay in a perpetually anxious state. I have always been an anxious person, but seeing my child display symptoms far worse than mine and feeling unable to help her has sent my anxiety into overdrive. My focus has been so off these last few months that I've not been giving anyone - including Amelia and Jeff - or anything, such as this blog, the attention they deserve.

In the past, writing has served as sort of a cathartic release for me. Maybe I can do it more often as a way to cope with all I have been dealing with even though what I write may be exceedingly long and possibly nonsensical. Hopefully, I can find some resolution soon for both me and Lola. Goodness knows we need it.