I am tired of being the only person in my house who cares whether the floors are dirty.
I am tired of telling people to put their shoes where they belong.
I am tired of being afraid to ask for help.
I am tired of having to search throughout the house for dirty clothes before starting a load of laundry.
I am tired of being the only person who can tell if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty.
I am tired of being the only person who cares if things are picked up and put in their place.
I am tired of being the only person who knows where things belong.
I am tired of asking people do things only to have my requests ignored.
I am tired of my daughters seeing their father drink too much alcohol on Friday and Saturday nights.
I am tired of being told "that's your job" when I ask someone to help me out by putting away folded clothes or straightening a stack of washcloths.
I am tired of not leaving my house because I feel like there's too much I should be doing here.
I am tired of not knowing the non-sexual touch of another person.
I am tired of being strong.
I am tired of being in charge.
I am tired of failing to undertake jobs I know need to be done simply because I don't think anyone cares.
I am tired of not taking time to read my magazines.
I am tired of not making time for books.
I am tired of wishing for bedtime when I can return to sleep where I don't have to think about how tired I am.
I am tired of being comfortable with the choices I have made and simultaneously wishing I hadn't made them.
I am tired of feeling unappreciated.
I am tired of feeling anxious.
I am tired of wishing things were different.
I am tired of trying to change the way things are.
I am tired.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Two girls.Two heads.
Yesterday I received a call from school about Lola. This was the first time the nurse has called me regarding my brand-new kindergartener so I was a bit apprehensive when I realized who and what the call was about.
Lola fell in her classroom and hit her head - that precious little head that got an $80,000 makeover when she was just 10 months old. The nurse was very upbeat as she reported Lola's mishap and said she had what appeared to be a small red bump on her head. Her call to me was mainly a courtesy as they always call a parent when a student hits their head.
She put Lola on the phone with me and my heartbeat picked up a bit when I heard that sweet little voice on the other end of the line say, "Hi momma!". I asked her what happened to which she replied that she was playing with a friend, tripped over the chair and hit her head on the cabinet. She said she cried a little bit and her friend, Violet, who I've yet to meet but whom I've heard a lot about, walked her to the nurse's office.
I asked Lola if she felt like staying the rest of the day at school fully expecting her to ask to come home, but she surprised me when she said she would be able to make it the remainder of the day. I tell you, though, it took all I had not to go on up to the school, check her out and bring her home. I knew, though, that leaving her would be was the best thing both in terms of fostering her sense of independence and allowing her to stand by her choice to stay at school. Whew! It wasn't easy, though, as I kept replaying that sweet greeting from her over and over in my head.
After talking to Lola and reminding her to let her teacher know should her head start to hurt or she become very sleepy, I again spoke with the nurse who promised to let me know should anything change. She also told me she was sending Lola back to class with an ice pack for her head, which turned out to be the perfect medicine for my little girl who reported the ice pack "worked like a charm."
Because Lola has a history of being highly anxious regarding anything related to medicine, doctors and nurses, I had fretted as to whether she would be able to mentally handle a situation in which she might need to visit the nurse's office. My little trooper proved to me yesterday that she can not only handle it, but also cope with it way better than I anticipated. In fact, when I picked her and Amelia up from school yesterday, Lola was completely recovered from her accident and talked about it like it was no big deal. So proud of my sweetie!
Speaking of Amelia, yesterday was a big day for her as well. She pulled a tooth that she has been wiggling for quite some time. For many kids, I am sure, pulling a tooth is a non-event. However, for Amelia, who, in the past, hasn't been too keen on pulling teeth, it's a milestone.
The last tooth she pulled on her own was left to linger in her mouth for so long that the adult tooth grew in behind it and was a good distance behind all her other teeth when she finally snagged that baby tooth out of her mouth. That new adult tooth looked like it was occupying it's very own back row in her mouth whilst all the other teeth had opted to sit up on the front row.
I worried she was going to need some major orthodontia to pull that new adult tooth in line with all the other teeth. However, nature intervened after the dentist had to pull her two upper canine teeth per the orders of the orthodontist who wanted them out to make more room in her mouth. That tooth finally fell into line with the other teeth already standing at attention. It's not perfectly in place, but it's far better than before.
Amelia was excited this morning to find $2 under her pillow from the Tooth Fairy, although I am beginning to sense she is struggling with her belief in the Tooth Fairy, which makes me sad. Amelia is 9 & 1/2 and is quite the skeptic, something which she gets from her daddy. Wrapping her mind around the concept of a magical fairy who's career involves flying all over the world exchanging cash for teeth is becoming harder and harder for Amelia to accept - especially since she's now more aware of world geography and time zones.
For now, though, she seems content to play along even if she isn't quite sure of the legitimacy of the whole idea. Jeff and I will continue to welcome the Tooth Fairy into our home because Amelia hasn't come out and directly inquired as to her existence and because Lola still firmly believes and is so unhappy that none of her teeth are ready to come out so that she can get a visit from the Tooth Fairy.
When Amelia lost her first tooth a few years ago, I didn't think we'd now be at a point where she's possibly questioning the existence of the Tooth Fairy. I am not ready. I want her to keep believing because I know once she stops believing in the Tooth Fairy then it's only a short matter of time before she loses her belief in Santa Claus, the Elf on the Shelf and the Easter Bunny after which she's just a hop, skip and jump away from her being a teenager.
I already feel like she is slipping away from me more and more. Most of the time she'd rather spend time with her daddy than me because she sees him as "the fun parent." Having these little magical things that connect us that I am good at making real for her is special and not something I am ready to let go of.
However, I didn't think I would be able to let go of Lola to send her off to kindergarten, but I've done way better with that than I expected so maybe there's a chance I can handle these impending changes with Amelia. I just hope they don't happen too soon.
Lola fell in her classroom and hit her head - that precious little head that got an $80,000 makeover when she was just 10 months old. The nurse was very upbeat as she reported Lola's mishap and said she had what appeared to be a small red bump on her head. Her call to me was mainly a courtesy as they always call a parent when a student hits their head.
She put Lola on the phone with me and my heartbeat picked up a bit when I heard that sweet little voice on the other end of the line say, "Hi momma!". I asked her what happened to which she replied that she was playing with a friend, tripped over the chair and hit her head on the cabinet. She said she cried a little bit and her friend, Violet, who I've yet to meet but whom I've heard a lot about, walked her to the nurse's office.
I asked Lola if she felt like staying the rest of the day at school fully expecting her to ask to come home, but she surprised me when she said she would be able to make it the remainder of the day. I tell you, though, it took all I had not to go on up to the school, check her out and bring her home. I knew, though, that leaving her would be was the best thing both in terms of fostering her sense of independence and allowing her to stand by her choice to stay at school. Whew! It wasn't easy, though, as I kept replaying that sweet greeting from her over and over in my head.
After talking to Lola and reminding her to let her teacher know should her head start to hurt or she become very sleepy, I again spoke with the nurse who promised to let me know should anything change. She also told me she was sending Lola back to class with an ice pack for her head, which turned out to be the perfect medicine for my little girl who reported the ice pack "worked like a charm."
Because Lola has a history of being highly anxious regarding anything related to medicine, doctors and nurses, I had fretted as to whether she would be able to mentally handle a situation in which she might need to visit the nurse's office. My little trooper proved to me yesterday that she can not only handle it, but also cope with it way better than I anticipated. In fact, when I picked her and Amelia up from school yesterday, Lola was completely recovered from her accident and talked about it like it was no big deal. So proud of my sweetie!
Speaking of Amelia, yesterday was a big day for her as well. She pulled a tooth that she has been wiggling for quite some time. For many kids, I am sure, pulling a tooth is a non-event. However, for Amelia, who, in the past, hasn't been too keen on pulling teeth, it's a milestone.
The last tooth she pulled on her own was left to linger in her mouth for so long that the adult tooth grew in behind it and was a good distance behind all her other teeth when she finally snagged that baby tooth out of her mouth. That new adult tooth looked like it was occupying it's very own back row in her mouth whilst all the other teeth had opted to sit up on the front row.
I worried she was going to need some major orthodontia to pull that new adult tooth in line with all the other teeth. However, nature intervened after the dentist had to pull her two upper canine teeth per the orders of the orthodontist who wanted them out to make more room in her mouth. That tooth finally fell into line with the other teeth already standing at attention. It's not perfectly in place, but it's far better than before.
Amelia was excited this morning to find $2 under her pillow from the Tooth Fairy, although I am beginning to sense she is struggling with her belief in the Tooth Fairy, which makes me sad. Amelia is 9 & 1/2 and is quite the skeptic, something which she gets from her daddy. Wrapping her mind around the concept of a magical fairy who's career involves flying all over the world exchanging cash for teeth is becoming harder and harder for Amelia to accept - especially since she's now more aware of world geography and time zones.
For now, though, she seems content to play along even if she isn't quite sure of the legitimacy of the whole idea. Jeff and I will continue to welcome the Tooth Fairy into our home because Amelia hasn't come out and directly inquired as to her existence and because Lola still firmly believes and is so unhappy that none of her teeth are ready to come out so that she can get a visit from the Tooth Fairy.
When Amelia lost her first tooth a few years ago, I didn't think we'd now be at a point where she's possibly questioning the existence of the Tooth Fairy. I am not ready. I want her to keep believing because I know once she stops believing in the Tooth Fairy then it's only a short matter of time before she loses her belief in Santa Claus, the Elf on the Shelf and the Easter Bunny after which she's just a hop, skip and jump away from her being a teenager.
I already feel like she is slipping away from me more and more. Most of the time she'd rather spend time with her daddy than me because she sees him as "the fun parent." Having these little magical things that connect us that I am good at making real for her is special and not something I am ready to let go of.
However, I didn't think I would be able to let go of Lola to send her off to kindergarten, but I've done way better with that than I expected so maybe there's a chance I can handle these impending changes with Amelia. I just hope they don't happen too soon.
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