Another birthday without her

My momma would have celebrated her 69th birthday today, but she's not here to mark this occasion. She died almost four years ago because she couldn't stop smoking.

I still harbor a lot of bitterness and resentment toward my mother because I feel like she chose smoking - something she loved so much that she once told me it was the only thing that brought her any real happiness - over her family. I may never be able to let go of those feelings.

It pains me all year long that she's gone, but her birthdays are especially hard because I always tried to do something special for her on this day. Momma was never one to seek attention, but she loved getting it, which is why I always tried to make her birthday something really special.

Even though she's not here to celebrate another year among the living, I thought it would be nice to share some things that are quintessentially momma. Now, without further ado, in no particular order:

* African violets on a kitchen window sill.

* The scent of Tresor or Pheremone perfume.

* A radio in the bathroom playing in the morning while getting ready for work.

* A bottle of Listerine in the glove compartment of the car.

* A mixture of cinnamon sticks, whole cloves, orange slices and water simmering on the stove at Christmas.

* A pack of Freedent gum tucked into the inside pocket of a purse.

* The smell of original Tide detergent.

* Daffodils, geraniums and marigolds blooming in spring.

* Baking soda in the medicine cabinet to use for brushing teeth.

* Pear salads prepared early to allow time to chill before serving.

* Cheese toast sandwiches made using Velveeta.

* Stroh's beer, Canadian Mist whiskey and Smirnoff vodka.

* Red pepper flakes on pizza.

* Marlboro reds and an ashtray in every room of the house (including the garage, bathroom and laundry room).

* Saying "warsh," "Chicargo," "ivyprofen" and "Zackaby's."

* Washing hair in the kitchen sink.

* A checkbook balanced to the penny.

There are so many more, but I'll stop here. It's hard.

I am not sure what I'll do today. Maybe I'll find something to do that I think she would have enjoyed. I don't know.

 

Happy birthday momma! I sure wish you'd have stuck around a bit longer so you could see how smart, beautiful, funny and talented Amelia is and so you could have met and known Lola. You're missing so much.