Too, too sweet

I knew it was bound to happen, but I'd convinced myself I was out of the woods. I was wrong.

Just over a week ago I learned I am pre-diabetic. I had gestational diabetes during both of my pregnancies. During Amelia's gestation my condition was well controlled by watching my diet and keeping a strict check on my blood sugar. However, while I was pregnant with Lola my diabetes came on hard and fast and was not well controlled. It was as if nothing I did to try and keep it in check made a difference. I told my doctor one time that I believed I could have eaten nothing but cardboard and would have still had high blood sugar.

After Lola's delivery my blood sugar numbers dropped back to normal rather quickly. I wish I could say I continued to try to eat well, but in the months after she was born I ate anything and everything while trying to deal with her horrible reflux. I ate to for comfort more than necessity, which is why I quickly put on about 15 pounds.

Gaining the weight bothered me, but when I finally started trying to eat healthily as a means of dealing with it I noticed some strange symptoms that bothered me even more. I was fatigued terribly. Like there were times when I was driving that I felt as though I could have pulled the car to the side of the road and taken a nap. The slightest bit of exertion left me so lethargic, and I was going to bed before my kids trying to sleep as much as possible. Also I was constantly hungry and was craving sugar.

I knew this wasn't normal, and my doctor agreed. He sent me for a barrage of tests most of which, thankfully, came back normal. My fasting blood sugar and cholesterol levels were both high though.

It wasn't as if I wasn't expecting these results. I mean I knew it was a serious possibility, and I know I am fat. My OB-GYN's nurse warned me repeatedly that I was just asking to get full-blown Type II diabetes, but I turned a deaf ear to her pronouncements I guess expecting denial to protect me.

But these test results combined with the fact I now have to take a maintenance drug to keep my blood sugar in check served as a disturbing wake-up call. Additionally, I am always aware that my daddy died at age 43 of hereditary heart disease. That's just 8 years older than I am now.

However, my giant wake-up call came from Amelia who one day while watching me get dressed told me I should eat less food because I am fat and she worries about me being fat. My heart aches every time I recall this moment.

Now I am eating smaller portions, taking in more fruits and vegetables and less carbohydrates and processed foods and trying really hard to eat most of my calories early in the day rather than late at night, which was the norm for me in the past.

When I head to the kitchen nowadays I try to think about what Amelia said and try to ask myself whether I am hungry or just looking for comfort. It's all hard, and some days I do better than others, but I know it will get easier and hopefully eventually become habit. My greatest wish is that I can conquer this demon so that my girls can see me as a good example and so I can live to be that example to them.